Dreaming & Waiting for Good News

Yesterday Frank and I went to St. George to Dr. Hall our dentist who fits us with our Sleep Apnea Appliances.  We went a little early so we could have dinner with my St. George cousins.  We all met at Olive Garden and we visited, ate good food, and most of all had some good laughs.  Frank let me stay a little longer and he headed over to the doctor's office.  When I arrived, he was getting ready to get his x-ray.  Dr. Hall came out to the waiting room to check on me and he told me that they were going to have to do something a little different with Frank's sleep appliance, and thinks it will be successful in Frank's situation.  I sure hope so.

There is never a day go by that I don't think about my son's estranged family.  I wish I could just let it go and not let it eat at me.  I had a dream last night where I went to a home and it was my son's home.  His wife was there and she was friendly and was beautiful.  I asked if we could forget the past and we agreed to let it go and be friends again.  Then as usual there were weird things going on, places I have never seen, etc. and I woke up, feeling empty inside. Maybe this dream is taking place in the next life?

This estrangement has been going on for five years now, and my grand kids have all grown up, and are busy in high school, and two are married, and I have three g.grandsons whom I have never seen except in pictures.  Life can be so cruel.  I have never fully understood what happened, except I was accused of never being there for the kids.  Which brings up the question of what is expected of a grandmother?  Am I supposed to keep a schedule of 15 grand children's activities and attend them all?  How about forgetting a birthday now and then?  Especially when I was in the middle of building a new home, and my birthday calendar had been put in storage.

Am I the one who is supposed to call all the time and check on them?  During this time I was sick, and come to find out I had Diabetes, after having pneumonia, and just being sick all the time. Did I get a phone call to see what was going on in my life, no that didn't happen. I could count the times on one hand that my son called me to just say hello, or for other occasions. Oh and I had a bad disk in my back that gave me a great deal of pain, and it was very hard to sit on bleachers at the kids games, etc. Of course there were other factors in all of this, and I will take blame for my part, but to be judged so harshly is beyond my understanding.  I would have never done this to my in-laws.  I always thought families could be more forgiving. 

I have had several dreams along the same theme as I described, and this just makes me know that I am not letting it go even as hard as I am trying.  I always wanted a happy family that did things together, laughed together, cried together, etc.  My growing up family was a very dysfunctional, alcoholic family and I was a very unhappy child through adulthood.  Then I married a wonderful man with a wonderful family that I had always dreamed of.  I loved my in-laws very much and they took the place of my parents.  This was all taken away upon the death of my first husband at the ages of 26 and 28. 

I raised my kids the best I could under the circumstances.  Having grown up in a dysfunctional family I didn't have any role models to be a good parent.  Thank heavens for my church as I was taught how to be a good mother.  I tried my best to be a good Mom, but we all make mistakes, some big and some small.  I am grateful for a son and daughter who love me and do good things for me.  I am also grateful for step children and their children who treat me as a blood relative.  I love them dearly, but there still is something missing in my life and that is the estranged family.  I am grateful for a wonderful husband who takes the pain away, and we are so compatible. 

I don't know why I wanted to blog something so personal, but it is a part of my life and that is what this blog is about.  Maybe someone who may drop by and read this, is in the same situation and has some good advice on how they have handled their situation. 

Now for the good news, my grand daughter is in the hospital with induced labor and I should have another g. grandson soon.  We are anxiously waiting for the good news. She called me this morning to let me know she was in the hospital.  She is one of my step-children's daughters and I am so grateful for her. I had to end this on a good news basis.