Blog Slacker - A Few Thoughts

I have started to get pictures off from my camera several times, and I just haven't had the energy to do it.  So I thought I would just go without pictures on this post.  I have never seen a hotter summer here in our area.  As much as I hate the heat, I often wonder why did I end up staying here?  Then when the winter months come, I know why.  Especially when cooler climates are having long winters with snow.  Our intentions were to leave for the summers with our fifth wheel, and then Frank's knee surgery and two back surgeries kind of put a stop to that.  I am so grateful that we didn't take off with our fifth wheel for the Oregon coast this summer.  It would have been a disaster for me with Frank having heart problems and ending up with two more stents. Somebody was watching over us.

We now have our fifth wheel on the market as Frank and I both feel that it is just too hard on him to load and unload it every time we stop at a campgrounds, and not to mention how nervous I get when on the road towing it.  I am a nervous driver, and passenger.  Now thinking back on things, I wish we would have invested in a condo on the Oregon Coast and could have spent our summers there.  Hind sight is such a good thing, but a little late in life for us. We do get to go to Park City and spend a week at my cousins condo, and we are looking forward to that.  I have cabin fever as it is just too hot to do much around here.

Between Frank and I, we have been on the run going to doctors appointments.  Frank has one next Friday with his cardiologist, and hopefully that will be the last one for a while. My blood pressure has gone up so I was put on an extra blood pressure pill, and it has made me feel so exhausted.  My doctor has me cutting the pills in half and taking them every other day.  He thinks that my body will eventually get used to it.  I asked him why my upper number was going up, and he said I had TMB.  I said "What is that?"  He said "Too many birthdays."  Old age really does suck!  Use to be I went to the doctor to see what was wrong, now it is hoping that nothing new is wrong.

I am feeling a little frustrated as my doctor is going out on his own and not going to take insurance any more. He is limiting the number of patients he will take. He will charge a monthly fee and his patients will be able to have a much better relationship with him as far as getting in on the same day, being able to call him, e-mail him and getting more immediate attention. In other words, he will be there for his patients. It sounds wonderful, but when we only pay a $15 co-pay and I see him every three to four months, it just isn't cost wise for us.

Then a few days ago when I was going back to him on a follow up visit, we were discussing my blood pressure pills, etc.  He said to me, "I have known you for five years, and I detect something going on with you."  The word depression came up.  He just wanted to plant the seed for me to think about.  Yes, I am depressed, but who wouldn't be when you have to force yourself to do everything you do, and too tired to enjoy the things I use to.  I have been in tears more than once, but I am blaming the new blood pressure pills, Diabetes, and I think the heat gets to me. I feel like we are hibernating in our home.  Who wants to go out in this kind of hot weather. Now I am really feeling bad about my doctor situation.  Especially after my last appointment.  Who wouldn't want a doctor that knows you so well and senses something is not quite right with you and spends quality time with you?  I may have to think twice about that monthly fee.  It is going to be a pain to have to start all over with a new doctor.

Then my estranged son's family weighs heavily on my mind.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about them.  I don't think I will ever fully understand what has happened.  My grand kids think that I don't like them, and that is so wrong.  I love them and miss them terribly and wish I knew what I have done to make them think that way.  I am missing out on Great grand kids, and I have only seen one.  I don't even know all of their names.  This alone is enough to make me depressed.  Could it be that maybe too much was expected of me?  It is a little late now as when grand kids grow up and are married with their own kids, Grandma is a distant thought.  I know that when I got married, even though I loved my Grandfather very much, I didn't get to see him as he was so far away in Idaho; and Larry and I were so busy having children and raising them.  I only had one Grandfather that was close to me.  The other grandfather lived in North Carolina and I only saw him once when he came out to visit us in Salt Lake. Both of my blood grandmothers died so young before I was born. Well, enough of my depressed moods.  Hopefully the next post will be more positive with some pictures of Utah.